The Archives of Great American Humor

This is part of the PLUS in MysteriesPlus. We will try to offer humor that is actually funny. Of course one person's funny is not always funny to another, so please be gentle and more ready than ususal to laugh, giggle, guffaw, slap your knee, roll on the floor, etc. We hope you will at least break into a slight smirk once in a while. These are what one long-time critc has termed "home-made jokes and stories." Now the website sends them from our houses to yours. We hope that these offerings will make you glad you opened the door. Sometimes what we will offer are not jokes but merely observations of the passing social scene which we hope you will find entertaining and perhaps slightly amusing.




The photo below is from our gallery. Visit there for more great photos.

An Oncologist Joke

(The Old Joke Writer's Daughter was diagnosed with a common cancer about 2 years ago. She got treatment and is doing well. While spending many hours in waiting rooms during her treatments, the OJW noticed there seemed to be no oncologist jokes, so, naturally he put his God-given talent to work to write one. This is it. It is dedicated to all cancer patients and their families.


The Lone Ranger emerged from a long session with his oncologist. Tonto was waiting for him in the waiting room. The Ranger said, "After all that, I think I know everything there is to know about how he is going to treat my cancer with chemicals."I see," replied Tonto. "Then from now on, I will call you, CHEMO-SAVVY!"


An In-House Note to Mysteries Plus Staffers from the Senior Editor:

Our old friend and mentor, Professor Sparks, has been named President of the University of Spelvania. Way to go Prof.!

There is no truth to the rumor that now President Sparks is totally "Round the Bend." He may be an old codger, but academically, he can still sling the high fast ball and he has a wicked spitter. On the rare occasion when he gets up to bat, do not be surprised if he does a Babe Ruth and smacks a grand salami. The old man can teach evangelism better now than he ever did, and he was great!!! Those of us who know him from his long years of teaching and administering, know that he is a five-star general in the ranks of the world's great preachers and teachers. He was into neighborhood evangelism long before it became cool. He was right in there with Billy Graham and D. James Kennedy. 

He is nearly the finest friend a man or woman could ever have. We say thank God for you, Prof.!!!! A similar ranking goes to his wife, Vanna. She has been a mother and grandmother and hostess to more than 10,000 of us over the years, in the USA and elsewhere. We all thank GOD for Mrs. Sparks!


Now we provide a retina scan to the vast door of the Archives of Great American Humor. The door slides open with the soundless efficiency of a mime slipping on a banana peel. Before you now are the endless halls filled with holographic images of the original manuscripts of our nation's greatest unknown jokes. This site does not have holographic projection capability that can be transferred to your computer. However, we can provide the exact words. Holography and any indicated sound or movement are left to your imagination.

 

If you live in or near Minnesota, you know how much Minnesota media people love Minnesotans. Perhaps there is a reason. One show host on "Minnesota's Good Neighbor" radio was working through a commercial this week for urgent care service at a Twin Cities' medical facility. She wanted to impress her listeners with the easy access patients could have to their care. She said you could just walk in for treatment of almost anything: a broken arm, a broken leg or even a spinal injury. That explains it doesn't it. A person from any other state would not be able to walk at all with a broken leg or spinal injury, but not those tough Minnesotans. God bless them! 

I saw this on a vanity license plate: "LIAR." You have to admire the honesty of a driver like that, I think. 

{We haven't tried this before, but give it a shot. Think of it as a challenge for your own creativity.}

The Old Joke Writer was walking past a church today. There he saw a large plastic nativity scene. They had all the usual figures: Mary, Joseph, shepherds, etc. There's been a lot of snow in his end of the valley, so the Baby Jesus figure was invisible, buried under about ten inches of the white stuff.

{There's the set up, now you write a punch line and send it to us. Send it to us via our "Contact Us" page.} 

{The Old Joke Writer strikes again:}

They got me on to electronic banking a while back. Then it went haywire and nobody at the local bank could figure out what to do. I had no access to my account for about a week. Eventually they had to bring in a computer genius from another branch to get it fixed. Then I had to set up everything on my end of the system all over again. After it was all up and running, I walked down to the bank. There I saw a poster with this caption,"E-Banking is as easy as riding a . . ." below that was a picture of a little red tricycle.

I guess they are right, electronic banking is as easy as riding a tricycle, provided your tricycle sometimes wanders away by itself and gets run over and flattened by an 18-wheeler.

 

{The Old Joke Writer handed this one in today. It's not a knee slapper, but it makes you think.}

I took my aching back to the chiropractor. I had to show my Medicare card. Then I had to show my supplementary insurance card. If they won't pay for it, I'll have to charge it to my Visa. If that doesn't work, I'll have to challenge the bill collector to a winner-take-all game of Old Maid. It seems like my future is "In the cards."

 

 {Editor's Note: We got a request for shorter jokes. Here are some.}

 

I have a friend named Kenneth, Floyd, Henry, Leo, Otto, Olaf, Gustaf Genzenheimer. We call him Shorty.

 

A pig who was supposed to go on a diet fell into a vat of chocolate. If he keeps eating that chocolate, he'll die yet.

 

A motorcyclist drove into a tree. It was a blessing. He could have driven into a volcano. At least a guy can sometimes survive driving into a tree.

 

I found part of a study by some biologists at Michigan State who say we shouldn't rake leaves. The MSU scientists probably put this title on their study: "Just Leaf It There."

 

Another motorcylist actually wears his helmet. When asked why he wears a helmet, he says," Hell hasn't met me yet and I want to keep it that way." He thinks that's funny.

 

{Here are some fairly short ones from the 6000 Year Old Man. He gets his formal introduction a bit below this preview of some of his jokes.}

I'm so old that when God started the world with His famous line, "Let there be light," I said, " Can't you let a guy get some sleep?"

When Joshua and the rest of his bunch were marching around Jerico shouting and blowing horns, I said, "Can't you let a guy get some sleep?"

I remember when Moses went off leaving his sheep to go help free the Jews from slavery in Egypt, his wife wasn't happy. She said to God, "Can't you just let a guy get some sheep?"

 

 

11. Editor's Note: A boy has been asking for a joke about someone falling down stairs. We gave that assignment to the Old Joke Writer. He took the assignment note to his workstation. He put it into his little red note holder. Well, the joke was on him. That assignment note jumped right off of his workstation noteholder. It ran out of the door and over to the "4Kids Plus" page. There one of the story writers grabbed it and wrote a story about, "The Man Who Fell Down Stairs." You can go there and read it soon. You'll be glad you did, even if you are not a young boy who wants a joke about someone falling down stairs. So we guess that the joke is on the little boy who wanted the joke, too.

We try to please, but sometimes those ornery little notes just go where they want to go and we just have to follow and try to keep them out of too much trouble. Working here is sometimes a bit like parenting. Now you jokes just stop that laughing and go back to bed! And to sleep!

Don't make me come in there!

 

10. Editor's Note: We now introduce yet another character to bring you a smile, The 6000 Year-Old Man. He's been around the office for a while now. You can see a cartoon image of him in our banner above. Actually he's older than the cartoon, but it's close enough. He won't take the powered wheel chair we tried to give him. He says that as long as his arms work, he'll handle the locomotive power himself. He is quite feisty and, we think, quite funny. Here's some of his stuff.

 

6000 Yr. Old Man

I’m old. Big surprise. That means I have to spend a lot of time going to medical appointments. I used one of those light-up phones to call for an appointment. I got some recording that said, "This is the Scheduling Dept. at the XZY Medical Center. Someone will be with you shortly. If this is an emergency, please dial (some number which I forget.) Then I had to wait and wait while they played music into my one good ear. If it had been an emergency, I’d be dead.

Somebody said I should give credit to a couple of guys named Mel and Carl for my name and even my whole routine. I’ve seen those kids. They’re OK, even funny quite often. Sorry, but I can’t give them credit. Their guy, the 2000 Year Old Man, is OK too, but he’s still a kid to me.

 

 

9. Editor's Note: We very happily, and sleepily, present an new contributor to  our site. He has offered to add jokes to our group. We sorely need them, we admit. Thus he has been sent with his large bag of jokes. If his wife could introduce him, she might say that he is one of those much-sought-after and very well-designed European imports. He is also another one of us, the guys with the extra letters after their names. He has even been known to darken the door of college classrooms to go in and beat back the frontiers of ignorance (i.e., teach.) This, his first offering here, sounds to us like something you may have heard before. However, almost everything sounds like that to us these days. If ever you see us offering something that should at least be credited to someone not mentioned, please contact us. We truly do want to give credit where credit is due. Now, pull up the covers and get ready for the joke. 

A sleepless man is tossing and turning in his bed contemplating some metaphysical questions. "I wonder if God exists... I don't think so because if he did... but then again who knows; what is there is afterlife... but what evidence do we have? No, any form of religion is a hoax; there is no God...on a second thought, what's the point of it all without some absolute idea? But really I don't suppose God exists because..." Suddenly the man hears a voice from above, "Alright, alright, I do not exist! Will you sleep now?"

8. Editor's Note: We have a photo to accompany this humorous? report from an elementary school near you.  (See photo 8 in our Picture Gallery.) The tale will be most  appreciated by elementary school principals and teachers along with suffering parents and children who braved long lines to get their annual school photos taken.

HOW TO TURN A SCHOOL DISASTER INTO A TEACHABLE MOMENT

One elementary school principal demonstrated his creativity in inserting political and economic education to a potential disaster as he saw long long lines forming for the annual picture-taking session for his students. He quickly called a nearby university and asked for a Nazi, a Communist, a Socialist, and a free-market Capitalist. The line was then divided into four lines. Those who went to the Capitalist were told, "You can go to the market place and find your own photographer at a price which is probably cheaper than what you will pay here. Then you can just email your photo to the school." The Socialist told his line, "You stay right where you are. Through our valiant collective action, we have managed to force the ultra-conservative state legislature to give us just enough money to pay for the pictures. Don't worry that the state will go deeply in debt to pay this cost." The Communist smiled at his line and said, "You will have your picture taken at no cost to you . . .as you enter the 'political re-education' camp in which you will learn to enjoy being slaves for the rest of your miserable lives!" The Nazi didn't even let his people get to the line. He met them near the garage at the edge of the school parking lot. There he sent them away with, "NO PICTURES FOR YOU!"

7. I have had the great pleasure and privilege of teaching teachers in East Asia and growing to appreciate many Asian people. This is dedicated to them and those who stayed behind to work with them. It is not easy to grasp all of the nuances of intercultural communication. If this joke in any way seems to denigrate anyone, especially the Chinese, a people for whom I have the highest respect, please describe the problem as best you can in an email to our "Contact Us" address. If this joke must die in order that respect for Chinese people might live unfettered, the joke will go. As my favorite lady in China recently wrote to me, "Some times the chicken must die."

And now, heeerrrres the joke:

I hope the Chinese government will waste no time in lodging a formal protest with the United Nations over this barbaric cannibalism. Apparently a great many people get a perverse pleasure out of "going out to eat Chinese!"

 

6. This comes to us from a clinical psychologist friend of Dr. Watson.

Why did the fireman cross the road? According to a firefighter client of mine, he didn't intend to do so. He merely made what he thought was an innocent remark about yellow stripes down the center and the overly sensitive road became insulted.

 

5. This one is especially for kids, so go grab a small child (gently) and share this with her or him. The child might giggle. Older folks on whom the joke was tested did smile. This joke is also for a McDonald's manager who met one of our writers recently. The writer promised to post a few jokes that this manager could use when he works his second job as a stand-up comedian. This is McDonald's joke one.

{Editor's note: to get the full effect of the joke, after the word "serving" you have to supply your own mental sound effects on an imaginary trap drum set. The appropriate sounds will be "Barump Bump!" followed by a cymbal crash. After the joke, children, leave the computer in the hands of your parent or child care provider and go out to play in a safe area for exercise. Exercise is good. That is why at MysteriesPlus we supply not only entertainment, but an opportunity to exercise your little gray cells in solving mysteries and in supplying imaginary sound effects. Parents and child care providers get lots of exercise for mind and body by watching and caring for children. Now on to the joke.} 

McDonald's has a shake called the Wild Berry Shake.

Why did the Wild Berry Shake?

Because the McDonald's folks keep it in the freezer until right before serving. (Barump Bump! Crash!)

 

4. THE ROMANCE MAY BE FADING, BUT THE LOVE CONTINUES

I was installing a sheepskin pad on the seat belt of our sedan. My wife asked why. I replied that since my heart surgery, having any pressure directly over the scar was uncomfortable. "Remember," I said, "They had to cut me open, redo God's original design which I had clogged, and then put me back together with copper wire." "Oh," said my wife, "that reminds me. At work yesterday (she's an employee of Wal-Mart) I was out back and saw the guys emptying the trash. They were separating out the copper and putting it into a bin with a big label which said, 'Copper.' I said, 'Why don't you just label it 'Theives, come and get it?'"

That's how you know that maybe the romance has faded at least a bit after forty plus years of marriage. You share a very intimate detail of your health and how you are held together by a slender copper wire. Then your wife does not say, "Oh, you dear man. I sometimes forget all you went through even though I went through it with you. Now, seven years later you still sometimes feel some pain. How can I comfort the man I adore?" Instead you tell her this itimate thing about your body and she doesn't get impressed about your openness and sensitivity or say she still admires your physique. No, she says I remind her of trash. 

3. OH, THE SUFFERING PINEAPPLE

What kind of sick, twisted people do they hire at the big fruit canning companies? They are totally unashamed of their actions. They crush innocent pineapples and then don't even try to cover up their deeds. They even advertise and sell the sliced, mashed and punished product of their wrath. One is tempted to say they will get theirs in the next life if not in this one. However, the Bible tells us to forgive. Therefore, pinapple crushers and even you who employ desperate people to engage in such a nefarious activity, confess your sin and all will be forgiven.

 2. A TUNE FOR COMEDY CRITICS

Critics of attempts at comedy, especially home-made jokes, often seem to be humming a song. I think the lyrics are these which seem to fit a song from the old Broadway show and film hit, South Pacific, ""I'm gonna wash that joke right out of my head. I'm gonna wash that joke right out of my head and send it on its way."

 

 1.  CRITICS CAN BE TEACHERS

One of our joke writers spent many years as a teacher of fairly normal college classes; hopefully, with better than average jokes thrown in to enliven the classroom. He doesn’t laugh much at standard joke writer offerings like the one below.

"I was out riding my bike on the way to class this morning. I ran over some green, slimy, slithering thing. I think it was a joke critic."

Our former professor-now-joke-writer just listens. Perhaps he will chuckle at such an offering. Then he will comment, "God made joke critics too. Most of them are human. We can learn from them, so study what they say. They can help you improve your joke writing." He’s still a professor as well as a joke writer. It’s just that now nobody pays him to do either. He says he likes it better that way. He’s weird.

If you have crticism of the jokes or observations here to offer to us, please email your comments to us via the Contact Us email address.

CUSTOM-MADE JOKES AND OBSERVATIONS

We are daring at MysteriesPlus. We are going to attempt to offer Custom-Made Jokes & Humorous Observations. Perhaps this will work and perhaps not. Nevertheless we are making the offer. If you would like to see a joke or a hopefully humorous observation on some topic, send us your request via the Contact Us email address. We cannot promise fast service or anything else except that we will try to write something just for you. No identifying names of indivuals will be used. If you have a joke or observation you would like to share, send that. We promise nothing except that our editorial staff will look at it as time allows. It may be used or not in original or modified form. We ask that it be original material. For submissions you may identify yourself by a nickname. One of our staff identifys himself as "The Old Joke Writer," so don' t use that one. We are expecting submissions from a brother-sister pair of very funny students who just completed their first year at a tech. college. They call themselves, "The Twins." Therefore, please don't use that nickname either. We will assume that anything you submitt is your orignal material and that you wish to share it free of charge with the MysteriesPlus audience.